Do I want more kids? Absolutely. More than anything in this world.
However, there is a part of me that is scared. Terrified, really.
Now hold on, before you judge me and tell me i'm crazy, see things from my perspective…
I got pregnant a few months before I turned 19.
I went through hell with this pregnancy. From family to friends, every dynamic of my life changed.
This isn't a "poor me" post, i'm just being real and talking about things on my heart and mind.
I refused to be like every other teen parent I knew. I refused to be apart of every statistic out there. (Did you know 25% of teen moms get pregnant again before their first child is two?!) I refused to give people a reason to question my parenting or my decision to keep my baby.
I wanted to be different. I didn't want to have to live off government assistance. I didn't want to have my parents raise my child. I didn't want to be so many things associated with being a "teen mom".
For three years of baby girls life, it was just me and her. Yes, we had my family, but in terms of OUR FAMILY, it was just me and her. She grew into my best friend and my biggest motivator. It was a big step meeting M and knowing our entire dynamic would change. Part of me felt guilty. Was she getting the time and attention she wanted/needed? Did she feel like I was replacing her? I never once hid baby girl from M, so from the beginning she was involved in our relationship. However, in the back of my mind I always wondered how SHE felt.
Luckily, from day one she fell in love with him.
Now we're here. We're at the point in our life where we are ready to add more kids to our family. But how READY am I? Like I said, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of almost every aspect of it.
I'm afraid of being pregnant and actually being "allowed to be happy". I'm afraid I will forget how to be a mom to a newborn. I'm afraid I won't love another kid as much as I love baby girl.
Am I terrible for saying that? I KNOW I want more kids, there's no question about that. But nonetheless, I AM SCARED. I am afraid of unknowns and I am afraid of uncharted waters.
{I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as i'm living, my baby you'll be.}
Has anyone every felt this way? I'd love to hear feed back or personal experience.
Thanks y'all for reading and for letting my blog be a place where I can open up and share true and honest feelings. I can never say thank you enough for that.
Labels: arizona blogger, family, mom blogger, pregnancy, real talk, tough topics, ttc
