Sunday, April 19, 2015

One Year of Infertility

What?! How am I already writing a "one year" post on this subject? It feels like just yesterday we "decided to start trying" and I never thought in a MILLION years I would be a person to struggle with this. I've been thinking about how I wanted to write this post but each and every time I thought about what I would write, I just started crying. This subject is touchy. This subject is heart wrenching and life changing and brings so many mixed emotions into my life. 

I often wonder if I should be sharing these types of things on my blog. Should I be writing about the absolute, most intimate parts of my life? I get nervous. Nervous for peoples reactions, nervous about how people might perceive me, and nervous about saying too much and not being able to take any of it back. Isn't that the beautiful part of having a blog, though? I get to share and share and share and maybe someone, just one person, they might relate. They might take something away from my post or they might feel uplifted, inspired, or even as if they aren't alone. That is why I do this. That is why I post these scary, yet real posts. It is my life. It's OUR life. And I love sharing our story. 

April 2014 was the month M and I decided we would "stop preventing". Part of me hates myself for being SO naive to think it would just "happen". On the other hand, how was I to know? No one plans for these types of situations. Absolutely no one. The first few months went by and I just kept telling myself "it's okay, we just need time". After 6 months had passed I felt absolutely crushed. I felt angry and confused and hurt and every emotion in-between. 

Trying for a baby is a funny thing. I go through different episodes of crazy which is one of the worst things about all of this. Some days i'm TRULY okay with where we're at. But on my bad days, I cry. I cry constantly and I feel like a complete and utter psycho. I cry knowing things aren't going according to my plan. It's a hard thing to cope with. Every time my cycle comes I sit on the bathroom floor and cry and pray to God this is my last month I have to go through this. I pray constantly that I'm ready to be a mom again. And not to mention the clomid has made me 129485920 times more crazy and emotional than I already am. But you already knew that because of my last blog post. 

This past year has, through everything, been amazing. Every second with M has truly been a fairytale since the day I met him. We've grown together like CRAZY through this adventure called infertility. I truly don't know where I would be without him and his support. (Well, I wouldn't be trying for a baby, but that's besides the point.) M and I work. Our teamwork is phenomenal and the both of us together are unstoppable. I think you have to have a pretty strong husband to deal with you during your TTC journey. So once again, shout out to my husband for dealing with me. 

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I'm sharing our journey in hopes that someone else will share theirs. Infertility isn't "normal". It's not easy to deal with and it's emotionally draining. You are not alone. If you are struggling with infertility, i'm here to tell you that you are NOT alone. This is our story. This is our journey. This is our life and I couldn't love it any more if I tried.

(Picture over the past year that truly make me smile. I love you, M. Thanks for creating this life with me and giving me everything I could ask for and more.)

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Am I Really Posting This?

The life of a blogger is a weird one. You put so much of your life on the internet and hope that people don't rip apart your every move. In an effort to keep your blog going good, most people post lots of fun, uplifting, heart-happy posts. I love doing that myself, but I also like being real. I like posting about what truly is happening in my life. I feel like in doing that, the people who read my blog have a more personal connection with me and I absolutely LOVE that. 

I have a lot of things I don't blog about. In an odd sense though, I wish I did blog about them. Blogging is my therapy. I also have a lot of "unpopular opinions" about things. This post is dedicated to all those things. Sit tight, buckle up, and prepare yourself for a side of me you've never seen….

>>>I thought that at some point after moving to the middle of nowhere USA I would regret it. I can wholeheartedly say I have yet to regret it. Not even once. 

>>>I'm 95% sure I suffer from depression.

>>>"If i'm not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotion scale, i'm crying." If you know what that reference is from, we can be friends. Also, it is 100% true that if I'm not somewhere in that range, i'm crying. Too happy…crying. Too sad…crying. It's a fun trait to have. My husband especially loves it. (Poor guy)

>>>I actually don't agree with women whipping their boobies out and breastfeeding with no coverup. I understand they are feeding their child, but why not cover up?!? (I know i'll get a lot of hate for this one. Sue me.)

>>>I have chronic fatigue and it is the thing I am the most insecure about (besides my complexion). Everyone that knows me knows that I take naps more than my child and most of the time I'm in bed by 8 pm. I hate that about myself. Sometimes I literally CANNOT physically keep my eyes open. People mock me about it all the time and I know it's all in good fun, but it is something I am truly embarrassed about and absolutely hate. 

>>>The smell of ketchup after it's been sitting on a plate is literally the most disgusting smell in the entire universe. Like to the point where it makes me gag. 

>>>I think about death every. single. day. And not in a "I hate life and I think about dying" kind of way. Just every day I wonder if this is the day i'm going to get into a fatal car crash or if someone is going to invade my home and shoot me. 

>>>I think a "stay at home wife" is the biggest joke. What do you do all day when you don't have kids?!

Well folks, there it is. A few things I thought I would never post on my blog. Feel free to judge me, or feel free to comment below and let me know if you relate to any of these things! I truly appreciate every single one of you who took the time to read this post. It wasn't an easy one for me to post, but i'm happy I did. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Clomid, You Dirty Little Skank...

Well, month one of clomid has came and went. It was one of the worst months i've had yet. 
The whole time i'm telling myself "this is all worth it and in the end I will be so extremely grateful"….i'm really questioning myself at this point, only because half of the month I wanted to murder someone/something/have 500 "adult beverages".

First month on clomid in a nutshell: 
-I have literally cramped every. single. day since I started my first pill. Is that normal? Probably not, but neither is 95% of my reproductive system, so there's that. And I don't just mean like "oh wahhh, I have a little cramp" it's the "*insert curse words*, grunt, cry, is this gonna kill me?!" type of cramps. Did I mention it's every single day?

-I have had the worst headaches of my entire life. Again, headaches so bad i'm convinced they are going to kill me. The headaches where I have to stop mid sentence from speaking because I'm literally about to cry and can't concentrate on another single thing because my head feels like it's going to explode. 

-The bloating is real. I thought I bloated bad before. I thought I retained water bad before. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Kaylin, you're so silly. Because on Clomid, you literally look like a beached whale no matter how many times your husband tells you you don't. (Refer to my Facebook status yesterday of changing my outfit three different times. The struggle is real.)

-The emotions. Again, I thought I was emotional before? This month brought a whole new LEVEL of emotions. Im 1390921% convinced now I truly need a therapist. Anyone want to recommend one?! 

And the worst part about all of this? I get to do it all again next month! WHO IS EXCITED?!?!?! (I can tell you my husband is NOT raising his hand right now!) 

Clomid, you are a dirty little skank. Do your job and get the H out of my life. 
Who else has been on Clomid? Did you have side effects? Any of these maybe?? I'd love some insight/advice/encouragement/funny stories….anything at this point, really. 
I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. I'm just venting at this point, as are all my blog posts. If you made it this far, you deserve a gold medal. I love you. 

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Why is it cute to be the mean girl?

I don't know if i'm the only one who notices this, so this post might be a little "scattered brained/all over the place". (And honestly i'll probably get a lot of backlash about it. But this is my blog. Not yours.)

I've noticed more and more on social media how being the "mean girl" is the "cool new thing". Being heartless and emotionless is what is getting all the attention. Belittling other people and making a scene of it is the "norm" now. It's like…if you don't post at least once a day about how much you truly don't care, people might think you DO care, and we can't have that, can we?! 
Why is it when a girl posts about how she hates everyone/everything/doesn't give a damn about anything, it is the most tweeted/"liked"/talked about status? I mean really, am I the only one noticing this?!?! When did being the mean girl become the cute thing to do? Does it give you a confidence boost? And ego boost of some sort?? 

So many times I see things on social media and I think to myself "does your mother know you post/talk/act like this?!" The language and the attitude of girls on social media is so disgusting to me these days. I can't say I never have been that girl. I KNOW there are going to be people to call me out on that. There were times in my life where I have been VERY negative on social media. However, I grew up. I matured. I realized not everything in life needs to be terrible. You CAN in fact BE HAPPY….and TALK ABOUT IT. Weird, huh?!

I know when it comes to emotional topics I can be a little far fetched. You know the Kristen Bell sloth video? Im the exact same way…if i'm not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotion scale, i'm crying. Nonetheless, I think it's OKAY to have emotions. It's OKAY to care about things. It's okay to be hurt, or to care what people say about you, or hell to even ENJOY YOUR LIFE. 

Like why is it the "thing" now to not have emotions towards anything? It's "cute" to post about how much you hate people, how much you don't give a damn, and how all you care about is pizza. When did caring about people and caring about whats going on in your life become a bad thing? When did showing your emotions become the LAST thing anyone wanted to do?! 

Being heartless isn't cute. Being the mean bully isn't cute. Belittling other people on social media isn't cute. If you put the same amount of effort as you put into hating things into something productive, can you imagine what you could accomplish?! Haha. Really though. 

This post is totally just a rant, but it's been on my mind for some time now so I just needed to vent. Quit being complete brats on the internet. I CAN NOT imagine you actually conduct your life the way you do via social media. And if you do….wow, I feel really sorry for your friends/family. Let's try being happy, eh?! Namaste. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Worst Blogger Ever

Here we are again….over a month without a blog post….
Worst blogger on the planet award goes to yours truly.

I've been in some kind of "funk" lately and haven't known quite how to get out of it. Bless my husband for dealing with me. (Truly, he's amazing and I can't say it enough how much he deserves a trophy)
I hate EVER admitting that i'm even upset because I feel like my life is far too wonderful and perfect to even feel the slightest bit of discontent. I honestly feel so guilty about. But when it comes down to it, some days I am upset. Im down right UPSET.

I'm truly trying to change my outlook on things and just overall BE HAPPY. Consciously CHOOSING to be happy. However, for me, that is easier said then done. I mean some days it is literally all I can do to get out of bed and go to work. Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way some days? (Or in my case, for weeks at a time?)

With my blog lately, I just haven't felt like there has anything "blog worthy" happening in my life lately. When the fact of the matter is, my entire life is blog worthy, I just need to step back and take a second to see it. At the end of the day I don't blog for anyone other than myself, but when the days come and all I want to do is crawl into bed, typing to my computer is the last thing I want to do.

I'm coming back. I want to be present in my little corner of the internet. I'm going to be posting more. I am going to be here. I hope I don't sound like a complete crazy person in this post and maybe ONE other person can potentially relate to how I feel.
We've had a fun month in our home. Here are a few pictures from my favorite times.
When little girls are tired in Mexico, Daddy holds them until they fall asleep. Be still, my heart. 

My flower child

Two seconds after I said "i've always wanted one of those pineapple drinks", he pulls over and hops out to buy me one. Quite the romantic guy if you ask me! 

My favorite view in Mexico

Snuggling my precious girl is my favorite.

M decided he wanted to build this off our garage. Being married to a "handy man" has quite the advantages! 

I'm the girl who orders two desserts because I can't decide. Judge me.

Fancy dinner this weekend with my lover butt to celebrate FINALLY selling our vehicle! 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Disneyland and an Anniversary!

Oh Disneyland! The land of happy hearts, hyper children, and parents ready to trample anyone who gets in the way of their stroller. (No really, we heard a guy say "I don't care how small a kid is, if they get in my way, I will run them over".) ….so there's that….

We had the most wonderful weekend vacation! What a better place to celebrate one year of marriage, eh?! This was actually the first vacation just the three of us took together and we were all thrilled. Our hotel was within walking distance so we walked back to our room mid-afternoon to rest and reenergize each day. Talk about convenient!
We did a dinner one night at the Blue Bayou, which was probably the best steak I have eaten yet!
This truly was one of my most favorite vacations. Baby girl didn't have one single melt down, which honestly SHOCKED me. Even at night when it was WAY passed her bedtime, she held it together. (Four for you, baby girl)

Once we got back into town from Disneyland, we went out for an anniversary dinner at the place we had our first date. Romantic, I know. ;) (Honestly though I just LOVE their food) I got to FINALLY wear this amazing dress from eShatki! IT HAS POCKETS!!! I was contacted from this site asking if I would want to pick one dress from their site to review. I was thrilled! I LOVED their selection of dresses. I felt everything was classy, yet fashionable. Their site specializes in sizes 0-36W and Custom Clothing. If you order something, you can give them YOUR specific measurements and they will tailor the dress to your needs. How awesome is that?!? AND EVEN BETTER NEWS! This AMAZING company has given me a discount code to use on their site for the next month for all you lovely readers! Just enter "bombshellwife" and get 10% OFF! :) Let me know if you purchase and send me pictures of what you get! ;)

We had such an amazing vacation and an even better anniversary! Thank you to everyone who wished us a happy day.
You all make our life amazing!

(Elsa and Anna were OBSESSED with Baby Girls Jamberry 'Frozen' Nails! Thanks Auntie Jen!)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Reminiscing On ONE YEAR!

A whole year?! How can it be that a YEAR has passed since we got married?! Talk about an amazing year! A year full of fun adventures, sleep overs every night with my best friend, and countless nights talking about our life goals and where we want to be! I love this life we have created and I know it is only going to get better from here! I know I have shared a lot of pictures on my blog of our big day, but I wanted to share some more because well…why not?! These are some of my favorite pictures from a year ago! Thanks for following our journey and enjoy the pictures! :)